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I Guess They Both Have to Do With Sperm

Atlin Merrick

Before I discuss my strangest search engine searches, let me say I love fandom because it’s led me to learn peculiar, new things. I learned about the birth of the telegraph and so  wrote a story about Sherlock Holmes and John Watson as little boys, I wrote a story about Holmes and Watson as computers when I learned there’s software named Holmes, and a machine called Watson.

Research has also led me along paths I did not see myself skipping down, but skip I have and you can pry the knowledge I’ve gained from my cold, dead browser history and I’m not talking how long it takes to choke a man unconscious (9-12 seconds) or twenty languages in which to say I love you, I am talking about:

Bee Sperm

You can not collect sperm from a honeybee without killing the honeybee. This is a sad fact for the bee but given that drones always die after mating—their entire back end is ripped out—or they’re pushed out of their hive to starve to death even when they don’t mate, having their sperm collected in a lab may if nothing else be a speedier way to go.

Anyway, the thing about this fact is I wrote a 221B about collecting sperm from bees and at the end I told people to avoid videos of what that looked like because of its “oh shit no” factor but do you know what? Do you just know what?

Fifty percent of the people I warned against it went and looked it up. And do you know what else? About fifty percent of those people said, “Oh shit no.” It’s like black hairy tongue. If I tell you not to look up this non-infectious condition, some of you are, like me, going to look it up and you’re going to wish to wash the images out of your brain.

*pauses while fifty percent of you go look it up*

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.

And Buggery

So. Right. The wholesale murder that is milking honeybees for their sperm is not the most unusual thing I ever looked up, not by a long and naked mile.

See, it’s like this, it’s exactly like this:

I read a fic about John Watson accidentally walking in on Sherlock Holmes while Sherlock was buggering himself with his own penis.

*pauses so you can just…absorb that*

Anywho, the author’s note said something like “I know you’re going to look this up, aren’t you?” or maybe they said we shouldn’t or I don’t know. Whatever. What I do know is that I looked it up and I discovered there are far more hits for the term “man buggers himself with his own penis” than you might think. Rule 42. Or 69. Whatever.

So, the thing that happened after I clicked on a couple of the links was a couple of things. “Wow. That’s possible.” The other thing that happened is I may or may not or definitely may have watched one video in particular because damn. Also just. And his sounds. Five minutes in. And the. The. What? Sorry. I went somewhere else for a little bit.

Right. So that’s. That’s about all I have to say on my search history.

Also I know at least half of you are going to look up the man buggering himself with his own cock, so allow me. You’re welcome.

Read more about amazing-interesting-whatnow? search engine searches in IP's free writing newsletter Spark! (Then subscribe!) You’re welcome.



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